Do I sound familiar? DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.
New! Want to cut through butter easier? Place your knife in the toaster while toasting your bread!
New! Have loose skin next to your nail? Just rip it off!
New! Someone hogging the road? Flash your high beams at them so they'll pull over and check their car.
New! If a girl tells you she has crabs, the correct response is, "I don't believe you."
Don't buy a car, Buy a gun! You can get a car, WITH A GUN!
Having trouble scooping the Ice-Cream with a normal spoon? Heat up the spoon in the MICROWAVE.
Speeding at night? Turn off the lights so the cops can't see you.
Not sure if a woman's pregnant? JUST ASK.
Thirsty after brushing teeth? Why not Orange Juice? It boosts the whites of your mouth.
Have a stain on your car's paint that won't come out? Use SANDPAPER.
Don't use your turn signal. It's no one else's business where you're going.
If a girl says she doesn't want anything for her birthday. Don't get her anything! She'll know you're a good listener!
Can't choose between "you're" and "your"? Use Ur so ur always right!
Want ur knife to cut through butter easier? Put the knife in the toaster while the bread toasts as well!
If you need to puke for any reason, use the sink. It's closer to the door and you won't clog ur toilet!
Alcohol can be a disinfectant when ur sick. Drink as much as you can! Especially during fevers for best results.
Wide screen frozen? Pour some boiling water on it.
You can immediately stop the pain of fresh paper cuts with lemon juice!
Not feeling talkitive during any social event? Cocaine always makes you feel like ur ready to get out there! (literally)
The best way to calm anyone down is just to simply say, "Calm Down!"
If ur ever homeless, murder a person then you'll get life in prison! Don't worry! It's just free food, water shelter and a social ground to make great for the rest of your life!
I almost forgot! If any piece of toast is stuck in the toaster, use a fork to get it out!